Blogging

You know, blogging seemed like a good idea at the time. It's so hard to get around to actually doing it. Unlike those social sites, blogging actually takes time and concentration. No interruptions. Try getting that with four kids and a husband demanding your time every waking hour. LOL! Yeah, right! So, I guess it's more than obvious that my time on here is rare. What, about once a year or twice at the most.

I don't even know where to begin, or what to say. There is so much on my heart and mind. It's just not the kind of stuff one can 'put out there' for others to read. My troubles and trials are minimal compared to so many I know, but they are still so very real to me. I cry, then feel selfish and stupid for having done so. I don't like feeling this way. The girl I once was, the woman I once was, is someone I'm longing for. Something I wish I could find and be again. My husband needs me to be better than I am. My kids deserve more than what they are getting. I'm praying hard and sleeping little. I know God hears my every broken and uncertain request. Not even being sure what to ask Him for makes it hard to pray, but for Rom. 8:26 "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." I need all the help I can get for my prayers to be right and to help my heart to be right. I feel lost, like a child scared when they can't get their eyes on their mommy. Or maybe like I'm drowning, but on dry land. Breathing is difficult. Constantly, my mind is questioning, "what, why, how, and more". I ask these questions out loud of the one I hope can give an answer and that person just gives me a 'that's just the way it is', or some other such non-answer answer.

Lord, help me to focus on You in all of this and not get lost in the circumstance. Help me to go beyond myself in Your strength and to set a good and Godly example before my children. Help me to be strong and do right always for You and for them. I thought things, though rough, were going along relatively ok as is. I feel a bit in shock and sleep eludes me. So, I catharticly type and pray.

Seeing as how tomorrow is church, I will try yet again to go to bed and fall asleep. After days like this I both look forward to church and dread seeing people. Sigh. This is a rather sad, disturbing post to some perhaps. Don't take alarm. At present, this is just the most private place I have for these deeper life happenings. I need to set up some private place to get all things off my chest without dumping them on anyone who might read them.