And Life Goes On

We are all well for now, except for Byron's persistant cough. Knock on wood. ;) I just hope and pray we can make it through the entire holiday season w/o getting a houseful of sickness again.

I've been having a very rough time lately. It seems that no matter how hard I try to do everything and do it right, nothing is good enough. Me, my kids, my house...I just feel under such scrutiny and like such a failure. The house could be better, but is almost a hopeless cause until we find a place to move where there is plenty of storage and workspace for Byron. Once I have a place like that I feel I can get organized so things will run more smoothly.

As for me...my greatest need is rest. Even when I sleep I don't feel rested and lately I've been thrilled if I can even get 5 hours. The last week I've averaged 3 1/2 hrs per night. I require the max amount of sleep and haven't had it in years.

My kids....Victoria is doing great in school except when I have to deal with her attitude. Something has been bothering her a lot lately and I can't get her to open up and tell me...or maybe she really doesn't know what is troubling her so much. All her inner turmoil is exhibiting itself in a ugly rebellious attitude. She want to do right, but just struggles in that area. Austin loves me so much, he tells me all the time. His main struggle these days is liking to irritate his little sister and hear her scream, and saying his "potty" words that has become quite an issue in some circles...I work on that non-stop and can't seem to get the message across to him. I've even talked to the dr. about it and she says some children, esp. boys who may feel frustrated from lack of development in speech or coordination often choose that way to express it...act out...whatever you want to call it. I just pray he learns better and outgrows it sooner rather than later. Leah is such a bubbly happy child but she screams....happy, angry, frustrated, excited, anytime. It disturbs me, it disturbs other people and short of taping her mouth shut (which is not an option) I don't know what else to do besides what I've been doing. So far I don't have any major failures with Samuel. He's teething and it wakes him up at night, but it's not intentional or malicious on his part. I just medicate and console until he's comfortable and then try to get a little more sleep before I'm awakened by another person for something else.

Sometimes I feel like I should never leave my house or spend any amount of time in any one place so that my family won't be the source of trouble for any group we may be around. That's mostly sleep deprived, depressed emotions talking and I won't/can't give into those thoughts. I NEED adult interaction too much to give it up completely. I'm not myself these last few days, but I'll get over my pity party and be my normally upbeat self again soon.

I just want people to know I/we don't let our kids run us. we do discipline and require proper behavior. I/we teach/want our children to respect others and honor the rules/desires of those they spend any time with.

We are hesitantly ready for Christmas. Our tree is decorated, the gifts are bought, but I dread all the stress of parties/get togethers, etc. I used to enjoy this time of year so much, but now I really don't.

Tonight Victoria is singing in the children's musical "Christmas on Main Street" at our church. She's excited and nervous all at the same time.

I just want to be a good mother and housekeeper. That's all I want for Christmas or any time. Being a part and full time nanny and babysitting for over 16 years was a breeze compared to the 24/7 job of being an exhausted, over stretched mom. I need God's strength every day and I really need more of it than I have the time to gather from the super short devotional times I am able to snatch.

Byron works so many hours for several companies and for himself. God is providing for us financially in a way that we have been praying for for such a long time. At least that is one stress that we are feeling a bit of relief from finally.

I'll hopefully be back to my happy me before I come back to add any more to my blog. I'm sorry for all the down talk this time, but that's where I am right now. I make myself smile, but I hurt in my heart. I'm searching and seeking and with God's help I will rise above my troubles soon.

Well, I guess I'm going to hit Publish Post and let this hit cyberspace come what may. I don't usually spill my guts to the world.....